Some Thoughts on Invisible Pain

I probably sound like a broken record here (man, is that metaphor even relevant anymore?) but I have been having a lot of Big Feelings lately and writing about them is helping me get through them. Not all of this is applicable to me at this very moment, but I’ve experienced it all in my lifetime.

Bonus points for anyone who can spot the T.S. Eliot reference!

Some Thoughts on Invisible Pain

Pain, the kind that lives in your heart and head
Is easy to hide unless someone is looking closely
It’s more slippery to repair than a physical ailment
And harder to take

Pain can be so unexpected
It halts your breath and you don’t even realize it
Because breathing is simply unimportant
As you take in your situation

Pain is distressing: You’re powerless over the cult mindset
Suckering those you love into darkness
Friends, family lost
And your heartbreak is intense

Pain is avoidable: You offer up your creativity
You put your raw, bleeding heart on the table
It feels like taking off all your clothes and asking for opinions
The silence is worse than criticism
And you know it will hurt, and you do it to yourself anyway

Pain is bittersweet: Paths not taken, early exits
Snipped connections, not meant to be
But you don’t believe in fate
And you don’t know what to do with this part of yourself

Pain is addictive: Limerence burns white hot, stretches you out so thin
You can touch all four walls at the same time
You dig into it, make it worse
See how far you can take it, look for a limit
And here, you must rescue yourself

Pain is ruthless: Time doesn’t care about you
It grinds you down, exhausts you without ceasing
Breeds lilacs, sweet and bitter, out of the dead land
And your fiercest wishes can’t stop it flowing

Pain is hidden: You forget it’s been with you the whole time
It doesn’t hurt until it finds a way out
Tunneling from deep in your core up to the surface
And that — oh, that is a truly exquisite kind of pain
It comforts you as it burns like salt in a cut
Steamrolls through your stomach
It bites the back of your neck where pain and pleasure are the same
Whispers warm in your ear from behind
Confuses you with its familiar face, the face known to you
Wraps its arms around you like a heated blanket
Breathes shhhh, shhhh, I’ll never leave you

And all you can do is make the leap
Share yourself into the looming silence
Ask a friend or a stranger: Please, please
Hold me close to you
Let me tuck my head into your shoulder
Show me the beauty of a thunderstorm or a perfect turn of phrase
Tell me that it will be okay
That I am not alone