I will show you fear in a handful of dust

“There is shadow under this red rock, 
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock), 
And I will show you something different from either 
Your shadow at morning striding behind you 
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you; 
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.”

— T.S. Eliot, “The Waste Land”

We had our wills and estate plan done earlier this year (haha, ‘estate’ makes us sound rich, doesn’t it?), and I think that process affected me more than I realized. Having to think about what happens to me after I die made me realize that I have a lot of things that I need to deal with BEFORE that happens. 

Thus the project I’ve been working on: sorting through old letters, photos, and assorted souvenirs/memorabilia. I think looking through all that reminded me of the emotional space that 20 year old Katy used to occupy — and 20 year old Katy had a LOT OF BIG FEELINGS. 

I have felt pretty manic these past couple of weeks. I’ve been reading and writing like crazy — long essays about memories and feelings, mostly (Oh how exciting — anyone having trouble sleeping? I’ll send you one to read and you’ll be out like a light!). It’s been hard to sleep although I am physically, bodily tired. My brain won’t shut up. I’m not getting tired when I go running. I keep trying to run all the energy out of my legs and brain and I can’t. I’m listening to music all the time now, which is weird because anxiety typically dampens my ability to derive pleasure from music… and it’s not like I’m NOT anxious, it just feels different now. 

It’s like everything’s on overdrive.