Now all that she wants, is three little wishes

This is another one of those self indulgent posts, so if you’re not interested in hearing me talk about my body and how I have felt about it for most of my life (spoiler alert: I hated myself!), then you can skip this one!

I realized not long ago that I have granted myself all three magic wishes related to my physical appearance that I have been longing for since childhood. Let me explain.

For most of my life, I wasn’t able to escape absorbing the American societal expectations that girls/women always strive to be smaller, thinner than a stick and lighter than air, take up less space (whatever amount you were taking up, it was always too much), be quiet, be like everyone else, make sure everyone around you is happy, have no flaws, do not make trouble.

I failed to live up to many of those expectations. Quietness comes naturally to me and it has been my way of attempting to keep off anyone’s radar, to avoid being noticed and therefore targeted. But the rest, especially the ones related to physical appearance? I was a failure.

And because I thought so much about how flawed I was, at some point in my teenage years I boiled these worries, fears, and yearnings down to four categories — height, weight, hair, and eyesight. If I could fix those things about me, life would be perfect.

I desperately wanted to be a ballerina, but ballerinas were not tall, did not wear glasses, and they MOST CERTAINLY were not fat.

I knew, logically, that I could not do anything about my height. I was 5 feet 10 inches tall by the time I was in 8th grade. It was super fun going through middle school and being taller than all the girls and many of the boys. I did not possess an outgoing, “hey, fuck all y’all assholes!” personality that would have been helpful to fend off the abusive comments.

But, there was no changing my height. I figured that if I could magically change the OTHER three dimensions — weight, eyesight, and hair texture — maybe no one would notice how hideously tall I was. I would then magically have a perfect life, free from unwanted attention, bullying, or standing out in any way.

Magic Wish 1: Be smaller, because I am too fat

I mean, there’s not a way to sugarcoat this one. Looking back, I try to give that young girl some love, grace, leeway, whatever you want to call it, because those extra pounds combined with her extra height made her feel like a monster. None of my close middle school, high school, and college friends seemed to give a crap one way or the other about my weight and never said an unkind word to me, which makes them extraordinary people, which is why I am still close friends with almost all of them today. Love you guys. You helped me survive.

Magic Wish 2: Have perfect eyesight so I don’t need glasses

If only I’d been born with good eyesight, I thought, then I would not need thick ugly glasses that accentuated my small eyes and pear shaped face, something that provided yet another target for teenaged assholes to taunt me.

Magic Wish 3: Have ‘normal’ (for white people) hair

I love my thick and curly hair now, but that’s been something that’s only happened in the past couple of years. I always desperately wished it was straight and easy to manage. Something that would cascade over my shoulders like a shiny waterfall. My big frizzy head of thick curls made me stand out, and as I have mentioned, standing out was not something I was at all interested in.

Me around age 9 or 10. Note the curly hair, thick glasses, and chubby body

The weight, hair, and eyesight trifecta continued to haunt me throughout my adult life. I wanted a magical solution.

But now…

But over the past couple of years, I got all my wishes. One required a ton of very hard work, one required me to save up a bunch of money, and one required me to just accept myself.

I lost about 75 pounds since 2022 and am continually working to cement good habits so I can stay within my desired range. I did not use weight loss drugs (no shade if you did; they just weren’t right for me); I counted calories accurately and kept physically active. This will be a lifelong thing. Magic Wish 1, check.

Last year I had cataract surgery that corrected my eyesight completely. I see 20/20. I don’t need glasses or contacts, other than reading glasses. I can see the clock on my nightstand when I wake up. It’s amazing. Magic Wish 2, check.

Y’all know my hair. It is enthusiastically curly, it is giant, it is glorious. It is a registered lethal weapon and cannot be stopped. Its mighty power will awe you. It is NOT, contrary to popular belief, bailing wire, but it will still kick your ass. I love it. Magic Wish 3, check — but through acceptance, not change.

As to the height issue: I kinda love being tall now. I don’t feel like a monster. It’s fun and useful. I can reach stuff on high shelves. Rock climbing is easier because I have more choices for what to grab. I feel like I might not be quite as appealing a target for a mugging, rape, or abduction (which may or may not be true and I hate that it’s something I even have to think about). There are downsides. It is harder to fit in our tiny Fiat 500e, and I struggle to find shirts that are long enough and won’t give the public a peep show when I reach over my head. But all in all, I have come to accept and love my full 5 feet 11 inches.

I don’t know that I have learned a big life lesson here. My life is not suddenly perfect. And I still struggle with self-hatred and feeling fat, other problems with my eyes that seem to be ramping up, and sometimes still wishing my hair was easier to manage. I just thought it was super interesting that some of the appearance-related things I struggled with my whole life have all gotten easier lately.