Going through the motions

I spent all of Wednesday going through the motions in a state of shock, not eating, feeling like everything I did that wasn’t “panic about the destruction that’s coming” was selfish. Thinking about needing to take out the trash or thaw something for dinner made my brain sharply rebuke me: “How dare you focus on things that are so meaningless when everything is about to burn down?”

Before I went to bed, Doc asked me what I was feeling. I said that I was grieving. He said, “Tell me what you’re grieving right now,” and it was hard for me to figure out an answer other than, “FUCKING EVERYTHING!”

But after a good long talk, I realized what I am grieving most is having to accept that for more than half the people in this country, blatant cruelty and lack of empathy are qualities that are apparently desired and celebrated.

I’ve long felt that I am too “soft and squishy” for this world, emotionally speaking. I don’t know how to build resilience to survive what’s coming. Right now, it doesn’t feel like that’s possible. And I know we need workable plans for many possible scenarios, and to figure out how to best be prepared.

But I’m telling myself that I don’t have to do any of that today. Today, I don’t have to be resilient or think of a solid plan or join an activist resistance movement. For right now, it is okay for me to put on soft warm clothes and crawl under the blankets and hug my pillow and watch “The Great British Bake Off” where everyone is so kind to each other, and just take care of myself — and my family — for a little while.

And then I’ll be ready.