August 2007

Space Maxi-Mountain!

I just saw the most BIZARRE advertisement on television. An animated maxi-pad with wheels zoomed up, down, around and sideways on a ROLLER COASTER TRACK. I have no idea what the point of it was, as I was too busy contemplating a Feminine Hygiene Thrill Ride to pay attention to the assuredly convincing argument being made by the voiceover. Perhaps the point was “Your Period: Like The Judge Roy Scream, Only Bloodier!”

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Spider Pig

Spider pig, spider pigDoes whatever a spider pig doesCan he swing from a web?No he can’t, he’s a pigLook out!Here comes the spider pig!

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A Few Covers

Crazy cover songs I’m listening to tonight: Van Morrison and Roger Waters singing “Comfortably Numb” live. Eh. I’m not wild about this cover; it sounded exactly like the original album version of “Comfortably Numb” (nice) but with Van Morrison’s voice (just weird). Echoing Green covering Figures on a Beach’s “Accidentally 4th Street (Gloria).” Awful cover. I adore the original but this just sounded like something you’d hear at 11 p.m. in a gay dance club and then immediately forget. Quick story about Figures on a Beach: In college in the early 1990s, I was a vice president of the Campus Activities Board and the powers that be sent me to a national convention where bands and other acts performed in showcases, trying to get colleges to bring them to campus. On the trade show floor, where all the acts’ managers had booths, I was perusing a list of the talent that one company represented, and when I saw Figures on a Beach listed, I asked the manager about them, as I was rather a fan. He was quite shocked and said,”Really? You like them? They’re friends of mine and I kind of just put them on there for kicks!” Too bad they cost double the budget for our entire year. Boy Least Likely To singing George Michael’s “Faith.” Freaking weird! I don’t like the original version, and I almost skipped right past this cover, but the hypnotic combination of the smooth-voiced male and female singers harmonizing throughout, and an instrumental chorus of slide whistles, a xylophone, and one of those little wooden clacker things that makes a zzzzZZZZPPP! noise, sucked me in. “Mad World” by Gary Jules, originally Tears for Fears. AMAZING. I like it even better than the original. It’s just Mr. Jules and a muted piano. I think […]

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Of bacon and “v” sounds

I’ve wondered for a while why we often don’t call our meat the same thing as the animal that it comes from. For instance, you don’t cook up some ground cow, or eat strips of crispy fried pig. You eat beef and bacon. I am currently reading “The Mother Tongue: English and How it Got That Way” by Bill Bryson, who is a terrific writer and can make even something seemingly as dry as the history of language extremely interesting. Anyway, in a discussion about Britain under Norman rule (French Vikings!), he illustrates the tiered social structure of Norman society — the French-speaking ruling class vs. the English-speaking peasantry — and the linguistic differences, as such: The breakdown can be illustrated in two ways. First, the more humble trades tended to have Anglo-Saxon names (baker, miller, shoemaker), while the more skilled trades adopted French names (mason, painter, tailor). At the same time, animals in the field usually were called by English names (sheep, cow, ox), but once cooked and brought to the table, they were generally given French names (beef, mutton, veal, bacon). So there’s one possible explanation. Something else Bryson mentions, that I’d never thought about consciously before, but now find fascinating: When we make an everyday observation like “I have some homework to do,” we pronounce the word “hav.” But when we become emphatic about it — “I have to go now” — we pronounce it “haff.” Weird, isn’t it? I think that it’s actually the phrase “have to” that gets pronounced “haff to.” When it means “must,” the v sound turns into an s. When it is used in the possessive sense, the v remains a v.

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Coming Back Up from Rock Bottom!!

After Doc’s visit to the emergency room three weeks ago, his migraine has gradually been getting less intense, one little baby step at a time. Actually it’s been more like 3 steps forward, one step back. Monday night he still had his buddy Mr. Migraine hanging out with him, and then their asshole next door neighbor Mr. Cluster came by for a drop-in visit, and surely overstayed his welcome, partying all night with Mr. Migraine and refusing to go home. Tuesday afternoon, Doc went to see a neurologist, Dr. Maureen Watts of the Dallas Headache Association. She works in the same clinic as Dr. Stuart Black, who is supposed to be one of the world’s leading specialists in headaches. He couldn’t get in to see Dr. Black, of course, as he seems to be booked up through the summer of 2008. From what Doc told me about his visit, Dr. Watts seemed to actually take an interest in helping him feel better long-term, rather than acting dismissive and throwing drugs at him. He’s had so many bad experiences with doctors who don’t seem interested in getting to the bottom of what is causing his many and varied problems, and who don’t seem to want to deal with him because he’s not an “easy” patient. Doc wrote up several pages of history, detailing his health issues, that he gave to Dr. Watts. She read it while he sat there, and then asked him specific questions about things in his report. (I think that doctors love it when you come to them with a well-thought-out detailed list like that.) She said that from what he described, he definitely has both cluster headaches and migraine headaches (which is rare, but it can happen), and although she’s not a sleep specialist, probably some form […]

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Garfield: Dead?

This freaked me right the fuck out when I read it. I used to adore Garfield in the early 1980s, and collected all the books — little brightly colored books in comic strip aspect ratio. But I began to realize that the strip just repeated the same things over and over again, every single week: Garfield sleeps, eats lasagna, torments Odie, torments Jon, wash, rinse, repeat. I had stopped reading Garfield by the time this particular strip ran. It sure puts the entire series into a new, creepy light. From The Onion A/V Club’s 12 Memorable Newspaper Comic Strip Deaths Of course, some people claim that Garfield himself died back in the late 1980s, when the strip ran an eerie, inexplicable weeklong storyline in which Garfield wakes up to the realization that his home is an abandoned, disintegrating part of a barren landscape. Running from room to room in a panic, he realizes he’s alone. (Weird inset narration panel: “You have no idea how alone you are, Garfield.”) Briefly, he encounters Jon and Odie, and reaches to accept the food Jon offers, but the entire thing turns out to be a mirage. The weird narration continues, over creepy images of a sweaty, squinting eye and a screaming Garfield: “Locked fast within a time when he no longer exists, Garfield grapples with his greatest fear… loneliness. He has only one weapon… denial.” Whereupon Jon and Odie reappear, and the storyline abruptly ends with some blather about the power of imagination. Some fans have suggested that this all means Garfield is either dead, or dying of hunger in an abandoned house, and that the rest of the strip is his fevered attempt to imagine a better life for himself. Doesn’t that make the strip’s saccharine repetitions a lot more interesting?

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I feel crappy, oh so crappy…

I feel kind of like crap that’s been run over by a truck full of crap. Migraine style headache, exacerbated by a pulled muscle in my neck and upper back, as well as light sensitivity from my right eye and wearing these thick magnifying glasses. Oh, and cramps to boot! Just want to lie here with a sleep mask over my eyes and the heating pad on my back… (oh, and a fan blowing on me to cool me off ’cause a heating pad isn’t particularly comfortable when it’s 102 degrees outside).

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