May 2006

A frog in my throat?

Living on a creek comes with some benefits (lots of big leafy trees, no neighbors in the back) and some downsides (mosquitoes, critters, flood potential). One of those elements is frogs. Normally I like frogs. They’re cute, they eat icky bugs, they stay out of my way. But tonight, for the love of god, they are MATING and they won’t SHUT THE FUCK UP. The drone is driving me CRAZY. If they were all croaking at different times I think it would sound like white noise and that would be OK. But they’ve got a whole freakin’ orchestrated chorus going on down there and are singing in UNISON. I don’t know why it’s getting on my nerves so much tonight! I usually like the sounds of nature. Tonight Yvonne and I did our first run together. It was a really short one, and we used the nice springy track, but it was over 90 degrees outside and the humidity was probably in the 80% range or better, and the air was really hazy and I just had the hardest time. I ran 1-1/2 miles and then had to slow to a walk for 4 more laps (which Brittney was kind enough to join us for). My airways were trying to close up on me, and I don’t have asthma or allergies. I think that maybe it was happening because I was trying to hold a conversation while running, and maybe also because of all the crap in the air and how hot it was outside. I had good energy and muscle strength and cardio endurance tonight, but I was afraid I was going to have an asthma attack if I didn’t slow down. Maybe I need to add “open airways” to my Holy Grail. I also wonder if my breathing […]

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Come on boys, shave them kiwis!

Looking for an easy way to obtain an extra optical inch on your [CARROT]? “The Phillips Bodygroom provides a safe and easy way to trim those scruffy underarms, or those untidy curls on and around your [CARROT], as well as those hard to reach locks on the underside of your [KIWIS] and [PEACH].” Come on. You’ve always wanted to get rid of that chinchilla wrapped around your schlong. Be sure to watch the music video! [Think Sting in the video for “Wrapped Around Your Finger,” only much less sexy. I don’t mean to insult you, smooth and hairless Norelco guy, but you just need to realize that there is only one man sexier than Sting, and I’m married to him!] And don’t forget to create testicular topiaries in the test drive section.

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Growin’ ‘maters

I kill plants. With very few exceptions, plants that come under my care are doomed to suffer a slow death of thirst and neglect. I love plants and would like nothing more than to live in a house surrounded by tall trees and grass and ferns and flowers and fruits and vegetables and bushes and shrubs and hedges and gardens, but it would seriously have to come with a gardener. I really do mean well, but I just suck at caring for them properly. Whenever I acquire new plants, I’m terribly excited about them for about two weeks, and then one day I forget to water them, and suddenly it’s 3 weeks later and I remember that I have plants to take care of — make that HAD plants to take care of — and I panic and run outside and find their dried brown husks frozen in a sun-crisped rigormortis, their slow suffering and piteous cries for water and TLC stamped into their little shriveled stalks and leaves. Thank god for automatic sprinkler systems, otherwise my lawn would probably be a wasteland too. One thing I am proud of: I try to do everything organically, without nasty synthetic chemicals that can hurt me, the vegetation, animals, the air, and groundwater. I do read up a lot on organic fertilizers and pest control, and I have all the necessary ingredients for the garlic-pepper tea and the Garrett Juice fertilizer and the liquid seaweed-insecticidal soap bug killer. I use the bug killer when I see bugs and I attempt to remember (but usually forget) to fertilize monthly. Also, I have a compost pile (ok, it’s really just a heap by the side of the house where I throw scraps and leaves and junk… but it does seem to be working!) I […]

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